


The Great Faerun Bake Off

by onArete



Series: Taakitz Week 2018 [5]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Great British Bake Off RPF
Genre: 2 Taakitz 2 Week, Alternate Universe - The Great British Bake Off Fusion, Crossover, Day 5, F/M, M/M, Modern AU, No Magic AU, Sazed is an asshole, Taakitz Week 2018, fuck sazed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-23 07:26:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16154372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onArete/pseuds/onArete
Summary: When Taako and Ren are running the newest hot TV show, the Great Faerun Bake Off, there's plenty of room for things to go wrong.  But there's also plenty of room for things to go very, very right.





	The Great Faerun Bake Off

**Author's Note:**

> Day 5 of Taakitz Week 2018! From the prompt "Crossover." Shoutout to the TFW discord for this idea.

 

The Great Faerun Bake Off was Ren’s idea to begin with.  She showed up at Taako’s house one morning, papers in hand and a gleam in her eye.  A show to further promote his career as a chef after the restaurant he worked for-- IPRE-- fell through.

 

“What about... Sizzle it Up with Taako?” he’d suggested, leaning against his door frame in pajama bottoms and one singular slipper.

 

She’d just laughed at him.  “You wouldn’t be the only person cooking on it, silly.  That’s been done. I was thinking a competition, between the best bakers from all over Faerun.  And we could judge them to select the best one.”

 

He did his best to cover up a yawn, pointed an accusatory finger at her.  “Wait. So I don’t even get to cook?!”

 

“No, you do.  Hey, can I come in?”

 

He grumbled, but let her.  She shoved a cat off of one of the few seats not covered with clothing, papers, or oven mitts, and plopped right down.  

 

“You’d get to cook.  You’d make the standard, the thing all the contestants are trying to live up to.”

 

“And I get to judge them when they fail?”  She nodded. “Ren, you are a genius, fuck yes.”

 

\-------------------------------------

 

The BoB network was eager to run the show.  They sent their best director, Lucretia, as a token of their excitement.

 

She arrived to the filming site four hours early, bringing with her a team ranging from cameramen to audio producers to tech experts to an EMT.

 

Taako wasn’t big on sharing his space.  He wasn’t big on having cameramen everywhere, and tripping over cords every three seconds.  But he’d be fine with it. It would be nice to get more exposure.

 

And the cameraman in charge of filming him and Ren was pretty hot.

 

But mostly the exposure.

 

Definitely.

 

\------------------------------------

 

Two thousand, four hundred and sixty nine contestants submitted works to be considered for the television show.  Taako (gleefully) and Ren (less gleefully) judged all of them, looking at photos of homemade pies, pictures of the applicants, recipes and interviews.  Taako handled the cooking skills. Ren did the human interest half, because Taako got bored after reading about Artemis Sterling’s “hard, hard upbringing as Lord of Neverwinter.”

 

In the end, there were ten of them.  Ren had their names typed up, and read them triumphantly, “Paloma.  Davenport. Magic Brian. Jenkins. Sloane. Noelle. Roswell. Edward.  Avi. And Sazed.”

 

Taako felt his muscles seize up when she said Sazed.  He forced himself to relax, though. There was no way it was the same Sazed, Sazed from culinary school who’d cheated his way to the top and nearly ruined Taako’s chances at graduation.  Sazed was a pretty common name, right? It had to be.

 

(If he didn’t ask Ren for a last name, it was because he didn’t want to know.)

 

\-------------------------------------------

 

Lup decided that she wanted to be on the show, because of course she did.  It was too late for her to apply to cook-- both Taako and Ren agreed. But if she could find another way, she was welcome.

 

She showed up on Taako’s porch two weeks later with a huge man in tow.  “This’s Magnus Burnsides and we’re gonna do commentary for your Bake Off thing.”

 

“Hi!”  chirped Magnus.  Taako didn’t know a guy that size could chirp, but Magnus did.

 

“It’s not a sports match, Lup,” Ren worried.

 

“Oh, I know,” she replied, marching into Taako’s apartment like she owned the place.  “But you need someone to narrate what’s going on, and I don’t want your show to flop. So, I’ll do it.”

 

“This your new boyfriend?”  Taako asked, following her inside.  “What happened to Barold?”

 

Lup and Magnus both protested at the same time.  “I’m _engaged_ \--”  “--my wife--”  “--holy fuck, Taako, no--”  “--not my type, really--”

 

“We get it,” Ren said drily, picking up another one of Taako’s cats.  “Is this gay solidarity again?”

 

“I’m, um, not gay,” Magnus worried, glancing at her.

 

“Boo,” Taako and Ren chorused.  He slung his arm around her shoulders.  “This is a gays only apartment. Out!”

 

“Oh, shut up,” Lup said, flicking Taako’s ear.  “He’s bi.”

 

“Oh, cool.”  Taako extended a hand, and Magnus shook it eagerly.  “Nice to work with some guy my sister decided was cool without asking me.”

 

“I’m cool, I swear!  I’ve got rustic hospitality and everything!”

 

“Isn’t that Ren’s gig?”

 

Ren laughed.  “Plenty of it to go around.”

 

And just like that, Lup and Magnus were narrating.

 

\------------------------------------

 

It was a sunny morning the day they started filming.  Lup and Magnus had insisted on dragging Barry-- who was working on audio, but also knew how to work the cameras, as it turned out-- outside to film them sitting on rocks and shit and making puns.

 

Leaving Taako and Ren inside to manage a tent full of faintly nervous bakers.  Ren was trying to comfort Roswell, who wouldn’t stop biting their nails, when Lucretia walked in.  Every inch of her seemed full of gravitas.

 

It might’ve been sexy, if that was your thing.  Not Taako’s, for sure. But the way Ren blushed when she walked into the tent?  Oh, Taako was about to have a lot of teasing material.

 

Lucretia got everything under control.  She organized the bakers into their stations, positioned her cameraman, corralled Taako and Ren into a smaller tent he hadn’t realized was theirs.  And when Lup and Magnus got back from their romp, Taako and Ren waltzed into the main tent.

 

Well, Taako waltzed.  Ren did her friendly thing where she was nice to people and shit.

 

But then, finally, they were rolling.  

 

Taako leaned against the front counter, glanced over at Hot Camera Guy to make sure the camera was on.  Shot him a wink.

 

Looked out over the ten bakers and said, “Welcome to the Great Faerun Bake Off!  You’re all pretty decent already, but I’m here to see what you’ve really got. Impressing me and Ren here isn’t gonna be a walk in the park.”

 

“Even so,” Ren broke in with a smile, “we’re starting with something simple.  For our first challenge, we would like you to bake any cake you like.”

 

“Points will be given for creativity, taste, presentation, and general cakeiness,” said Taako.  “There will be three parts to this first section, and whoever does the worst, is getting cut. Capish?”

 

“But at the very least, you got to eat cake,” Magnus interjected, and a couple of the bakers laughed.

 

“You’ve got three hours,” said Lup.  “Three, two, one--”

 

“Bake!” they chorused.

 

\-----------------------------------

  


Taako and Ren wandered around while they baked, offering advice and suggestions.  

 

Most of them were cooking, just... cakes, with various types of frosting and such.  Nothing that really stood out to Taako. But, a few did.

 

Davenport was baking layers of cake that he planned to stack and frost into a ship, complete with masts and sails and a frosting ocean.  Sloane was baking a giant cherry tree. Edward was-- first of all, flirting with Taako, and secondly-- making a huge game wheel that may or may not have been copyrighted.

 

Taako would’ve rather flirted with Hot Camera Guy, to be honest.

 

The baker in the corner, though.  Was baking a nice ordinary cake that was covered in sugar spun flowers.  Was wearing an apron.

 

Was wearing an apron with his name stitched onto the pocket.

 

Sazed Baker.

 

Taako sent Ren to talk to him, and ran as fast as he could in heels to their little tent.

 

Hot Camera Guy followed, and thankfully pointed his camera at the floor when Taako motioned.

 

And then he didn’t say anything, which was pretty awkward, considering Taako was currently sitting on the floor, head in hands.  He could deal with Sazed. He could. He’d never been proven guilty. It’d be fine. It’d be fine.

 

And Hot Camera Guy didn’t fucking leave.

 

“What’s your name, thug?” Taako snapped, and he jumped.

 

“I, uh, Kravitz.”  He had the worst Cockney accent Taako had ever heard, and one of his dreads was coming loose from his bun.  “I, uh, sorry, this might be stepping over the line a little, but are you okay?”

 

Fuck.

 

Hot and nice.

 

Fuck fuck fuck.

 

He must’ve not responded for a while, because Kravitz said, “Um, Taako?”

 

“I-- yeah,” he said, forcing himself to his feet.  “Just... bad history with one of the bakers. Didn’t realize that he’d be here.”

 

“Oh, I...”

 

“Ten minutes left!” Lup shouted from the other tent, loud enough that Taako could hear.

 

“I guess we should, uh, go back in there,” he suggested.

 

They did, and Kravitz righted his camera, and went back to being Hot Camera Guy who now unfortunately had a name and was wearing little skull earrings like a fucking dork.

 

Fuck.

 

\----------------------------------

 

No offense to Noelle and Avi, but when two people make rum cakes, it makes both of them look unoriginal.  And Davenport’s masts were dry and flaky. And Roswell’s bird fell over if you even thought about touching it.  And Brian had made a creepy-ass spider thing that Taako didn’t even want to touch.

 

Ren was more positive, but Taako was fully embracing the bad-chef, good-chef dynamic they had going on.

 

\--------------------------------------

 

Ren’s Victorian Sandwich recipe was rad, but if Taako were being honest, not difficult enough.  These were supposed to be the best bakers Faerun had to offer, right?

 

They all baked various degrees of failures, so then again, maybe not.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

Sloane got sick while making her Chocolate Celebration Cake.  Magnus helped her into the smaller tent, which apparently was also to house Lucretia, her crew, and any sick bakers.

 

“Go watch her cake,” Taako told Ren quietly.  “Don’t, like, decorate or anything, but don’t let it burn in the oven.”

 

She hurried out, and Taako went over to Sloane, lying on a cot the EMT had quickly set up.  As the EMT girl turned to grab a bottle of water, he saw her nametag-- Hurley.

 

“What happened out there?” he asked Sloane, sliding over so Hurley could give her a drink.

 

“I... I dunno,” she croaked, wiping at her mouth.  “I... was watching my cake? And then I didn’t... feel so good?  And fell over?”

 

Hurley looked over at Taako, concern evident in her eyes.  “Has anyone around you been sick lately? Have you had any prior symptoms?”

 

She shook her head.

 

“Sloane, where’s your workstation?” Taako asked, hoping so so desperately it wasn’t in the back of the tent, wasn’t near--

 

“It’s right next to Sazed’s,” she said, brow furrowed.  “Why does that...”

 

“Drink some water,” Hurley suggested, and handed her the bottle.

 

“Did you taste your batter before you put your cake in the oven?”  Taako asked, sitting down on the seat Hurley had been on, trying to seem casual, and probably blatantly failing.  “Or your chocolate?”

 

“Yeah, my chocolate.  Why?”

 

“Uh, no biggie.  Maybe you’ve got an allergy or something.”

 

“That could be it,” Hurley agreed.  “Taako, does she need to go back out, or...”

 

Taako was best friends with Ren, and he knew gay pining a mile away.  “Nah, Ren’ll make sure her cake doesn’t burn. Keep an eye on her, alright Hurley?  Keep her talking. Make a... friend.”

 

He winked at them and strolled back into the kitchen.

 

\----------------------------------------

 

Lucretia couldn’t prove that Sazed had done anything.  None of the cameras had been over by their workstations at that time.  But Taako was worried.

 

“Are you sure there’s nothing we can do?  We can’t have our bakers getting sick. And, it’s Sazed, he’s got a history of this--”

 

“Unproven--”

 

“Still!  If it’s anyone, it’s him!”

 

“I’ll look into a... detective, or something along those lines.  The only issue is that they cannot be... obtrusive.”

 

“So dress them up like a cameraman,” Taako said, and stood up.  He and Ren had a winner to announce for Round 1.

 

\----------------------------------------------

 

Unfortunately, Sazed’s baking had been pretty good, good enough that Taako couldn’t justify kicking him out immediately.  Instead, that honor went to Jenkins, whose Chocolate Cake had pretty much imploded on itself. Noelle was out, too, and Taako felt a little bad about that, but her Victorian Sandwich had had apple cider in it.  He still wasn’t sure where she’d gotten the apples.

 

\---------------------------------------

 

Round 2 began with a rainy morning, and Lup showing up with the most fucking clownlike umbrella Taako had ever had the misfortune of seeing.

 

“Y’know, Lulu, if you keep using that umbrella,” he told her in the tent, “you’re going to become that ridiculous.  It’ll swallow you up into it’s horrible fashion sense.”

 

Lup blew a raspberry at him, and wandered off to talk to Roswell.

 

Lucretia came up behind Taako at some point, and pulled him aside.  “I’ve found a detective,” she said quietly. “Perfect undercover. He’ll be posing as your nephew who’s eager to learn about cooking.”

 

“Lup’s got a kid?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

 

“Maybe a cousin, then,” she amended, pulling out a pocket-sized notebook and jotting that down.  “He’ll be looking adorable, having cute bonding moments with you, and getting to know all of the bakers better.  And, most specifically, keeping an eye on Sazed.”

 

Taako sighed.  “I really hope this guy’s got a babyface, because I dunno how we’re gonna sell cute little cousin if he’s--”

 

“Hello, sir!”

 

\--------------------------------

 

Davenport’s personality biscuits were stars and flowers, and when pressed about the flowers, he wouldn’t explain.  Brian’s were just... spiders. Lots of them. Taako saw Angus go up and talk to him, and pitied the kid and the arachnid explanation he was sure to get.

 

Edward completely failed Taako’s scone recipe on the technical challenge, and yeah, it was satisfying to see.  But the old lady, Paloma? Fucking perfect.

 

The Petit Fours showstoppers were well underway when Avi and Edward both fainted.  Angus was quick on the uptake, making a scene about dropping a bowl up front to keep the cameras’ and bakers’ attention away from Hurley and one of the other producers hustling them out.

 

In the background, Lup and Magnus kept up a steady stream of words that couldn’t be aired, just in case-- “Fantasy Walmart!  Fantasy Nike! Uh, uh, fuck! Fuck shit motherfucker shit shit shit! Fantasy McDonalds! Fantasy... oh, fuck, fuck, fantasy Adidas!”

 

\-------------------------------

 

Taako smiled at Angus, playing the part of a loving cousin as he helped him sweep up glass shards.  Lup and Magnus made some bad puns. They played their roles.

 

There was nothing else they could do.

 

\---------------------------------

 

Once things were underway and Ren was making another round to help the bakers, Taako hurried to the back tent.  Hurley had Edward and Avi out on two cots, and was going between them with cold compresses. The other producer guy, the one who looked droopy, was there helping her.

 

(Mostly he seemed to be helping Avi, which again, Taako could get behind.  If his show ended up helping some gay couples fall in love? Success.)

 

Hurley caught Taako’s eye, pulled him aside.  “Two things,” she said. “First, they’ve got the same symptoms as Sloane did last week.  I’m not sure what it is yet, but I think I’ve figured out how to get them up on their feet a little faster.”

 

“That’s good.”

 

“And, the other thing.”  She hesitated. “Edward isn’t Edward.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Edward isn’t Edward.  Someone’s masquerading as Edward.”

 

“How d’you figure?”

 

“Edward, well.  Remember how low his shirt went last week?  He had a flat chest. In the nicest way, this Edward... doesn’t, and was wearing a flowy shirt to cover it, I guess.”

 

“Oh.”  All Taako can think is _fuck_.  Someone was masquerading as Edward, that changes things, changes the mystery from ‘what the fuck does Sazed think he’s doing poisoning more people to try and win’ to ‘who the fuck is breaking into our show’.

 

“Lucretia and I are working to figure out who this is.  They look almost identical to Edward, but for obvious reasons, we can’t let them back on the show.”

 

Taako nodded.  “Edward will be out this season.  And... I guess we’ll get Angus on the case.”

 

Hurley nodded, turned to go back to her patients.

 

“Oh!  How’s Sloane?”

 

She blushed.  “We got dinner last weekend.”

 

“Nice!”

 

\--------------------------

  


Taako pulled Angus aside shortly after.  “Ango. Agnes. Cousin of mine.”

 

“Uh, yes sir?”

 

“Have you caught Sazed yet?”

 

“No.  Not yet, sir.  He didn’t go by either Avi or Fake-Edward’s work stations other than while he passed them to bring his bakes forward, leading me to believe that this sabotage is done on their ingredients for the third round before they are mixed.”

 

“Fuck-- I mean, uh, fudge.”

 

“You can swear around me, sir.  I’m ten.”

 

“Really?  Is that even old enough to legally work?”

 

“Technically, no.”

 

“Fuck.”

 

“It’s a good idea, though,” Angus offered.  “Swearing means any footage taken--” he waved happily at a cameraman whose name tag read... Lion?  No, Leon. “Can’t be used on the BoB network.”

 

“Good to know, little man.”  Taako ruffled his hair before joining Ren at the front counter.

 

\------------------------------

 

Fake-Edward and Roswell left to tearful hugs from the other contestants.  Taako couldn’t quite bring himself to care.

 

\---------------------------------

 

Kravitz went up to Taako after the bakers had left that evening.  “Are you doing any better?”

 

Taako looked up from where he sat, gratefully taking off his heels.  “Well, I’m pretty sure that Sazed’s the asshole poisoning my people, but we can’t prove anything, so no, not really, how’re you?”

 

He put his camera down on the bench, and sat down next to Taako.  “I’m doing fine. Is there anything I can... do?”

 

“I mean, we’ve got the boy genius on the case, so...”

 

“I certainly do not fall under that category.”

 

They laughed together for a moment, leaning up against the tent wall, listening to the distant sounds of Ren ordering people around and Magnus tripping on things.

 

“Do you think he has a target?” Kravitz asked after a moment.

 

Huh.  

 

Taako hadn’t even thought of that.

 

“I... if there’s anyone he’s got a grudge on, it’s... probably me,” he admitted.

 

“Hm?”

 

“I, uh, yeah.  We went to culinary school together, way back when.  We maybe dated for a while. And, he was an ass back then too, so we broke up, and he spent the rest of my senior year trying to fuck up my end of quarter projects so I’d flunk out.”

 

“What the fuck.”  Kravitz’s face was so sincere, so deadpan, that Taako had to laugh.

 

“You don’t normally swear.”

 

“I, I don’t,” he stuttered, blushing a little, “But, uh, this deserved it?  That’s really messed up?”

 

“Natch,” Taako shrugged.  “I just made doubles of everything I turned in, and tasted everything, too.  I ended up sick a couple of times, but hey, what can you do? I couldn’t prove anything.”

 

“I... I’m so sorry.”

 

He shrugged again, wiped angrily at his eyes.  “Fuck. My mascara.”

 

Kravitz smiled, and wrapped an arm tentatively around his shoulders.  Taako leaned into him, and they stayed there for a long moment.

 

\-------------------------------

 

It turned out that Edward had switched spots with his twin sister, Lydia, because she was better at making biscuits and such than he was.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Round 3 was bread.  It was more Ren’s wheelhouse than Taako’s, but he wasn’t about to let the remaining bakers know that.

 

Ren and Taako, followed by Kravitz, made their rounds during the signature bake.  Taako took great pleasure in offering potentially misleading advice such as, “That’s looking like an awfully square tin for this _round_.”

 

Lup showed up with a pun, because of course.  “I wouldn’t listen to him all the time, Sloane.  His advice can be pretty bread-ful!”

 

Taako laughed at her, and glanced over at Sazed’s workspace, where Angus stood a solitary watch.

 

\--------------------------------

 

Magnus managed to trip directly into Sazed as he carried up his technical.  Thankfully, Angus confirmed that he hadn’t had a chance to poison anything else.  Less thankfully, his technical was destroyed, which meant that Taako couldn’t get him out unless his showstopper was really horrible.

 

Which, of-fucking-course, it wasn’t.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

The little old lady, Paloma, had a lot more spunk to her than Taako had imagined.  When he critiqued her showstopper sweet rolls, she fired right back at him, arguing about the innumerable benefits of orange and cranberry flavoring.

 

He liked her.  No matter who won the Bake Off, he was determined to stay in contact, if only to argue about flavor profiles.

 

\--------------------------------

 

Nobody got poisoned in Round 3, but the back tent was still ridiculously full when Taako went back there to take off his apron.  Not only did Kravitz follow him in-- Sloane was sitting on one of the cots, chatting to Hurley, their hands almost close enough to touch.  

 

Avi was in there, too, bent over a computer next to Johann while the producer explained something about soundtracks.

 

And, best of all, in Taako’s opinion, was Ren and Lucretia.  The two women were working together to design something in Excel, something logistics-based that he could care less about.  Ren’s hand was on the mouse, and Lucretia’s hand was on top of hers.

 

Fuck yeah.  Get it, Ren.

 

“They’re sweet together,” Kravitz noted, following Taako’s gaze, and oh fuck.

 

Hot Camera Guy who was actually really nice and had a terrible Cockney accent and sat with Taako when he had a breakdown over fucking Sazed.

 

“You want to go do something tonight?” Taako asked.  “There’s this new wine and pottery place that just opened, I hear it’s nice.”

 

\------------------------------------------

 

“The Chug and Squeeze?” Kravitz asked somewhat drily when they arrived.

 

Taako nodded, grinning.  “I hear it’s pretty fun.”

 

“I mean, you’re probably right-- dammit, I can’t do this, Taako.”  Halfway through his sentence, Kravitz had dropped his horrible accent.  Taako gaped up at him.

 

“Hang on--”

 

“I’m sorry, you were cute and I panicked, and then I got stuck with it?”

 

“Holy fuck, you kept up that accent for _weeks_?!”

 

“I... yeah.  I... It felt weird, telling you after I’d already talked to you?”

 

Taako elbowed him gently.

 

He put his head down.  “Lucretia’s been laughing at me about it.”

 

“I’d never laugh at you for it,” Taako told him.  “Maybe a little teasing, sure, or good-natured ribbing...”

 

He laughed, and the lady at the front seated them next to a cute lesbian couple that he was pretty sure were friends with Magnus.

 

\---------------------------------------

 

Taako helped Kravitz shape his vase.  His hands were cold, but in, like, a nice way.

 

And he walked Taako home when he told him he didn’t have a car.

 

He _didn’t_ kiss him, which was unfortunate, but Taako was pretty sure he was already a blushing mess, so he’d have to cut his losses.

 

Taako flopped down on his bed without even taking off his heels, pulled out his phone.  Pulled up Kravitz’s number.

 

“Tonight was fun,” he texted.  “Do it again sometime soon?”

 

Kravitz replied so fast it would’ve been embarrassing, had Taako not already had a frankly embarrassing crush on him.  “I’d love to!”

 

And a heart emoji.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

Falling for a cameraman was definitely _not_ in the plans for the Great Faerun Bake Off.  

 

Lup would never let him hear the end of it, nevermind that she was _engaged_ to the guy running audio.

 

\-------------------------------------

  


Davenport had been the only baker eliminated in Round 3.  Taako was a little sad to see the blunt man go, if only because it meant one less gay in the already pretty gay tent.

 

However, Lup did rib him into explaining why he’d done flowers on his personality biscuits.  His husband was a gardener.

 

Kravitz got Taako’s happy grin on camera, which was going to _ruin_ his aloof brand.

 

\---------------------------------------

 

Round 4 began with all five remaining bakers moved to the front of the tent.  Taako and Lucretia hadn’t been able to justify having Angus still in the tent with so few people left, so he was in the back, monitoring the video feed from all of the cameras.  Kravitz began to film Taako and Ren less, and Sazed more.

 

\----------------------------------

 

Taako had told Ren-- on-camera, like an idiot-- that if any contestant made a good key lime pudding, they’d automatically be on to the next round.

 

And then, of-fucking-course, Sazed made a key lime pudding as part of his very first challenge.

 

The Round ended with Magic Brian being eliminated-- a horrifying moment, where they learned that he had carried a live tarantula in his pocket for every Round thus far-- as well as Ren getting sick after trying the technical challenges.

 

Angus hadn’t seen anything, and they were running out of time to prove it was Sazed once and for all.

 

Taako didn’t think he had a strong moral compass, per se, but he would’ve hated Sazed had he not had history with him.  Anyone who had to cheat to win a contest-- especially a baking one-- didn’t deserve their spot there.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

Round 5 was pastries, and Paloma dominated.  Taako figured that if she kept it up, she’d probably win.

 

But Sazed did good, too, and they were forced to eliminate Sloane.

 

She shrugged, and kissed Hurley full on the lips in front of the cameras.  Taako wasn’t the only one wolf whistling.

 

(He also kept glancing over at Kravitz, in... hope, maybe?  He wasn’t sure.)

 

\---------------------------------------

 

Round 6 was the last one, the Tea Party, their last chance to stop whatever plan Sazed had by poisoning his competitors.

 

Ren and Taako designed it for Paloma to win, and she did by leaps and bounds.  Scones and finger cakes were her best bake. (Her _jam_ , as Lup put it.)

 

But then came the part that Taako had for-fucking-gotten about.

 

The Tea Party part of the, y’know, Tea Party.

 

The part where the last two competitors feed their final creations to the other competitors and their families.

 

Lucretia pulled Taako aside just before, pulled Angus out of practically nowhere.  “This is our last chance,” she said solemnly. “Taako, I need you to do everything you can to make sure Sazed hasn’t added anything to the bakes since they finished.  Angus, you’re on to help him, especially with the human motives. We’ve got just a few minutes before we begin.”

 

“The game’s afoot,” Angus murmured, and leapt into action.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

“It’s all about his psyche,” Angus told Taako as they examined Paloma’s and Sazed’s trays.  “He wouldn’t have risked poisoning more than one of the bakes, because then it couldn’t have been an accident, not with so few people left.  You know him better than I do, sir-- would he have poisoned his own, or Paloma’s?”

 

Lup ducked into the tent.  “People’re here. Did you know Noelle has forty-five people in her family?  Just one side of it. Anyway, they’re waiting on the food.”

 

Taako could hear the crowd outside, now.  Could hear them getting antsy.

 

“Let’s carry them out,” he decided.  

 

Magnus picked up both of the huge platters of pastries, each delicately and beautifully arranged.  “Should we grab yours too?” he asked over his shoulder.

 

“Nah, we got them,” Ren said as he walked out of the tent to a burst of applause.  “C’mon, Taako, we need to grab our examples. Your time to shine and all that.”

 

Taako didn’t move, just stood there with his eyes closed, desperately trying to think.  As soon as he and Ren took their trays out, people would start eating them. And Sazed was highly suspicious as their poisoner.  And Sazed had it _out_ for him.

 

Magnus burst back into the tent.  “I grabbed them for you because you were taking forever.  Anyway, c’mon! Leon’s trying to video all the families and stuff interacting and the hosts should be there.”

 

Taako looked at Ren, who looked at Lucretia, who looked at Angus, who looked right back at Taako.  “Paloma’s or his, sir?” asked the boy detective nervously.

 

Ren grabbed Taako’s hand when he didn’t answer.  “Let’s go.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

Taako and Ren exited the baking tent to wild applause.  There was a huge crowd there, all mingling together. A bunch of Lucretia’s crew had joined in, too-- he saw Avi and Johann getting pretty friendly near the back of the group.  

 

Davenport and his husband-- named Earl Merle, apparently-- were cuddled together at one of the picnic tables.  Brian had brought along his fiance, and each of them had a tarantula on their shoulder. Sloane and Hurley were holding hands.  Everything would be great and gay and a perfect fucking ending to this years Great Faerun Bakeoff if it weren’t for Sazed. If it weren’t for the fact that at least one of the four pastry trays (Paloma or Sazed?  Or him or Ren?) was most likely poisoned.

 

He presented Paloma with her engraved plate pronouncing her winner of the Great Faerun Bakeoff.  

 

He waved and smiled and posed for photos and tried not to pretend like everything was falling apart.  As soon as there was a break in the crowd, he took it, hurrying around the tent for a moment alone.

 

And then Taako felt a hand on his shoulder.  Kravitz, probably, so he turned with a smile.

 

It wasn’t Kravitz.  In fact, it was the person Taako wanted to talk to the least.

 

Sa-fucking-zed.

 

“Well done,” he told him with a tight smile.

 

Sazed didn’t take his hand off of Taako’s shoulder.  He _hated_ that he was taller than him even when he wore heels.  “Long time no see, eh, Taako?”

 

“Yup.  Anyway, kemosabe, I don’t know what’s keepin’ you, but I gotta...”

 

“You see that nice little boy over there?”  Taako turned, and yes, he saw him. A whole gaggle of children, actually-- Davenport’s two kids, and some family friend of Roswell’s, and Angus.  Boy detective extraordinaire, and exactly who Sazed was pointing at.

 

“Sure do.  Why?” He felt a cold tremor rush up his spine, something like fear.

 

“Well.  Your cousin seems like such a _nice_ little boy.  Named Angus McDonald. Who lives at 44C Seeker Lane. With his elderly and defenseless grandfather.”

 

“...he sure is.  Now, if you don’t mind, I really need to go--”

 

Taako looked around the Tea Party.  Sazed had managed to corral him away from the main group. It was loud enough that any noise he made wouldn't be heard.

 

“I need you to do something for me, Taako,” Sazed said, and pressed a small bottle into his hand. Grabbed his arms tight, too tight. “Go on over to your pastries. Can't believe you forgot your signature garnish: you better put it on right away! What was it again... elderberries?”

 

“I... are you _blackmailing_ me?!”

 

Sazed patted him on the head condescendingly, but didn't let go of his arm. Taako seethed. “Of course, sweetcheeks, try to keep up. My good friend Gundren is already at Angus’s house, so I’d go add your garnish if I were you.”

 

“What if I don't?” Taako tried to make his voice brave, but he was quite literally in the palm of Sazed’s hand. He couldn't let anything happen to Angus. _Wouldn't_.

 

Sazed shrugged, forced Taako a little closer to him. “Let’s just say it won't be good for Angus’s... continued wellbeing. I've got Gundren on my phone right now. One word, and, whoops! There goes Grandpa. And there goes any... safety features in the house. Falling down the stairs does seem like a rather ignoble death, don't you agree, babe?”

 

Taako was shaking. How _dare_ he-- why didn't Lup or Ren or _somebody_ notice--

 

“Off you trot!” Sazed said all too cheerily, and pushed Taako away, squeezing his ass for a moment. “Make sure to garnish all your pastries, baby!”

 

Taako went, muscles clenched up. Bottle of poison gripped tight in his hand.

 

The crowd bounced off around him like water. Ren, saying something about Sloane and Hurley. Lucretia, asking what where he’d been. But he could still feel his eyes on him, so he didn't dare respond. Just carefully garnished his pastries, and shot Lup a furtive glance as he walked obediently back to Sazed.

 

(Who was he to judge a life? Angus or everyone?)

 

\------------------------------------------------------

  


Taako didn’t even make it back to Sazed, didn’t even make sure that Angus and his grandfather would be alright.  Hurley rushed up to him first, pulling out a badge, fire in her eyes. “Hands up, this is M15, I said  _ hands up _ \--”

 

Sazed reared back, snarled, “I’ve done nothing wrong--”

 

“I’ve got it all on camera,” said Kravitz in the most menacing version of his work accent possible, standing right behind Hurley, camera pointed directly at Sazed.  “You threatening Angus and Taako and--”

 

But all the noise was frittered out to details because  _ Noelle was reaching for a pastry and he wasn't close enough to stop her _ \--

 

Taako leapt forward, heels catching in the long grass--

 

And one of the cameramen, Leon, was there, about to broadcast her  _ death because of Taako’s pastries on live TV _ \--

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

Angus was a smart little boy.  He read his first book when he was two.  Memorized every speech given by fantasy Winston Churchill for fun when he was five.  Solved his first crime at six. Graduated from high school at seven, and from university at nine.

 

Angus knew lots of big words and complicated equations.

 

But Angus was a very, very smart little boy.  And he knew the power of a good lot of swear words, especially in making sure certain footage couldn’t be played on the air.

 

He jumped up onto the table, knocking off Taako’s tray.  “FUUUUUUUUCK!” 

  
  


\------------------------------------------------------

 

A lot of things happened at once. 

 

Sazed slammed a fist into Hurley’s face with an awful crack.  She stumbled backwards a few steps. He grabbed the nearest person-- Ren. Put a knife to her throat. 

 

“Back away, cop,” he snarled.

 

Kravitz didn’t retreat, just kept the camera rolling, steady. 

 

Angus knocked the pastry out of Noelle’s hands. 

 

Taako rushed forward, towards Ren, his  _ best friend _ \--  his best friend held at knifepoint by the man who’d tried to kill all of them, who’d blackmailed  _ him  _ and  _ Angus _ \--

 

And then Lucretia reacted. She did...  _ some  _ martial art thing that involved throwing her clipboard and knocking Sazed’s knife away, sending his arm spiraling backwards. 

 

Hurley, blood streaming out of her nose, grabbed his arm almost as if she'd expected this, and soon had him in handcuffs. “Sazed Baker,” she said, ” you are under arrest for attempted murder, poisoning, and framing another for said poisoning.”

 

Sazed was practically writhing. “You’ve got  _ no evidence _ !  **None** ! Taako’s got the poison in his hand!”

 

“We’ve got the footage,” said Kravitz angrily. “ _ Fuck  _ you.”

 

In a last-ditch attempt, Sazed writhed in Hurley’s grip, kicked out at Lucretia, who fell backwards, back towards the cement path and  _ oh god no _ \--

 

Ren caught her in what could only be described as the cheesiest romantic moment basically ever. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

Kravitz came up to Taako after everything, after fantasy M15 had come in.  Apparently Hurley had been undercover the whole time in case something like this happened.  Thankfully, though, Angus, Magnus, and Lup-- with the power of a whole lot of good swear words-- kept their arrival well away from any useable footage.

 

They’d arrested Sazed for poisoning and framing and attempted murder.  They’d arrested his paid merc, Gundren, too. Grandpa McDonald and Angus were both safe and well.

 

Taako answered their questions and allowed the arsenic bottle to be taken from his hand and tried to drink water but kept spilling it down his front.  He’d been so close to tragedy and it felt like he still hadn’t backed away from it.

 

“Are you okay, Taako?” Kravitz asked, sitting down on the bench next to him, the same bench they’d sat at weeks ago together.

 

“I... yes?  Sazed’s going to jail for, like, forever, so that’s good?  But... I’m also having a panic attack and Lup’s busy and can’t help me with it and I think Ren is off having a cute gay moment with Lucretia which, like, ch’boy’s all for, but they’re the only ones who know how too--”

 

Kravitz took Taako’s hand.  “Can I stay here with you? Talk you through it?”

 

“I don’t usually like to... talk, during them,” Taako muttered, leaning his head up against Kravitz’s shoulder.  

 

“May I sit with you, then?”

 

“...please.  Don’t go.”

 

Kravitz kissed his forehead, softly, gently.  “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

  


  



End file.
